2010 - New Moon, Mindfulness and Presence

I'd like to open up my first entry for 2010 with poetry from David Whyte...

Faith
I want to write about faith
about the way the moon rises
over cold snow, night after night.



faithful even as it fades from fullness
slowly becoming that last curving and
impossible
sliver of light before the final darkness.



But I have no faith in myself
I refuse it even the smallest entry.



Let this then, very small poem
like a new moon, slender and barely open
be the first pray that opens me
to faith.


Lately friends I have been struggling with faith. It almost feels like the back-at-home-for-the-holidays food coma I sometimes experience. Ever been home for the holidays and stuffed your face with so much good comfort food you just feel so, so sluggish? Or, ever felt so wimpy - you are so lost in what's going on you no longer feel spiritually revived? During these dreary winter days, I have felt that.

But, like a new moon, there is hope and eventually a new time will come when we shine. Even with a tiny sliver or a brilliant full moon day, we must always feel MINDFULLNESS AND FULLY PRESENT WITH WHAT IS. That is a promise and a commitment that I must make with myself.

At the end of a really good yoga class yesterday, my teacher mentioned the peace, the energy and light that was glowing within us. It's that peacefulness and comfort we sense after doing something good for ourselves and taking care of our bodies. We can always bring that joy wherever we are if we choose to. Through "prayer" and "affirmations" we can move from our suffering. The suffering we oftentimes feel when we dwell in our past, worrying about the next day, or yearn for a better day.

I hope that each moment I won't live with regret and continue to stretch and push past these edges. Mindfulness and presence is what I seek for today.

Sketches from My Travels

 

 

 

 

Last week, I had the chance to hang up some of the ink sketches that I did while on vacation in August. They are a quick and hasty set that I did while visiting Barcelona and London. While taking photograph does lend itself to a much easier way to capture moments, I do like the way drawing can slow your experience down more, help you enjoy the present moment, and appreciate the details more.

Art Every Day Month - Day #2

"The person I am today is not the same person I will be tomorrow."

I like this quote because it reflects on the changes, challenges, and progress we all go through. Without a vision or purpose, it is sometimes hard to really perceive the change that can occur within each of us. Last month, I brainstormed a vision board project and the photo above is what I had come up with...

I have been doing a lot of thinking thanks to some good books and guides that I've read recently (80/20 Principle, The War of Art, Hip Tranquil Chick, and Refuse to Choose). While I seem to have a lot of interests and projects, there are common themes that I seem to pursue and return to over and over. And, I ripped up photos and words that reflected those common threads.

:: Travel - I love visiting foreign places a lot and the challenge of decoding and learning a new language in order to survive is a lot of fun. I am also attracted to the relaxed and luxurious style of living other countries adopt. I like being able to see how different foods, people, artwork, and landscapes come together.

:: Work which is Rewarding - "Refuse to Choose" talks about how scanners have a child-like enthusiasm about their work and projects. They are curious and love to learn. The reward is more in the excitement and learning stages instead of the pay for most scanners. I like being part of work that has a direct influence on a greater level, gives a sense of spiritual renewal, and provides creative challenges.

:: Spiritual and Christ-Centered - God handcrafted each of us and there is an original intent in all of us with the abilities and gifts He gave us. There was a lot in Ephesians that really resonated with me. So, the vision board has a lot of quotes from Paul that motivated and inspired me to live with spirit, hope and faith.

:: Yoga/Mantra: I like how the mind/body/spirit interconnect with our bodies and relaxes me.

:: Biking/Running/Swimming: I just finished two triathlons over the summer and am training for a half marathon coming up. Being physically active and pursuing physical challenges is something very interesting and inspiring for me.

:: Escape: I like the luxury of reading in bed, warm hot baths, a yoga session, and a good ipod playlist. Even the smell of chili simmering or hearing the washing machine going on are all details I like to escape in and renew a sense of balance.

I think my vision board reflects a lot of those things, and it has helped me to dig deeper into what I have learned and what I which to do in the future.

I wish people (myself included) didn't beat ourselves up about why we haven't accomplished what we need to do yet. There is a balance we have to achieve between presence and pushing our edges into the future. It's a delicate and lovely thing.

The vision board is a nice way to balance those things because you take what you've experienced and it motivates you to jump forward and reach for new moments.

"Your intent should pour out of you. It should emanate from every cell of your being so that you attract the people and circumstances that can support you in manifesting your desires." Dianne Collins

When we realize that we already have everything we need to begin living out our dreams, I think it makes it easier to start.

November is Art is Every Day Month - Day One

This is the second time I have come across this quote by Goethe, "Whatever you do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius and power and magic in it." So, I think it's worth pondering about again. I like how Goethe challenges us to be bold in our actions which can be really hard when we sometimes just wanna get by.

Beginning! So, this month I have signed on to The Art is Every Day Month Challenge where a group of people/ artists' will be creating, challenging perspectives, and thinking in new ways for 30 days. And, even before I had much time to really think if I had the time to do the challenge, my heart, mind and soul jumped up and down and said, "Let's do it!" The month actually coincides with me having the opportunity to hang up my drawings at my art school. I'll have to post pictures soon and explain more about it later.

The first challenge was to make a commitment to doing the challenge. The leader of this month long challenge, Leah Picken Kolidas, wanted us to make a piece of art that reflects on our promise to bring more creativity in our lives. As I started doodling and thinking, I started to think about what inspires me to do art and I thought about how the relationship to God and spirituality can really be linked to how I create.

I've thought about doing more spiritual artwork years ago, but it was just a thought that would come across my mind and never stick. I figured this challenge would be a good time to bring it back up again. So, I reflected more on how art can motivate me to meditate more and think beyond myself. In some way, I'd like to retrain my mind to not just get by, but to really ponder, pray and get past a lifestyle that is about just getting by or checking off my to-do list for the day.

I think art can slow my thoughts down, appreciate the details around me, and recognize the beauty that was already created. I took a small square of plywood and just started cutting out really interesting quotes by artists.

::Picasso:: "Painting is just another way of keeping a diary."
::Matisse:: "Creativity takes courage."
::Cezanne:: "A work of art which did not begin in emotion is not art."

I also pasted a postcard photo of the crucifix from Sant'Antimo Abbey that I got in Montalcino, Italy. It reminded me of a very beautiful day in Tuscany and the gracefulness of Christ-centered silence and meditation. I wanted it to remind me that spirituality is an important influence in my art.

I also put in some prayers that I wrote on little notecards last month after I read Ephesians.

With a little glue, pieces of inspiration in place, and a bit of acrylic finger painting, I finished my first piece for this month of new challenges! I've hung it up in my bedroom so I can see it in the beginning and end of each day.

I look forward to my new challenge, and I am glad that I have a new spark of motivation to see how I can connect spirituality and art together once again.

prayer card

"O, Holy Spirit, beloved of my soul, ... I adore You.

Enlighten me, guide me, strengthen me, console me.

Tell me what I should do ...give me Your orders.

I promise to submit myself to all that You desire
of me and to accept all that You permit to happen to me.

Let me only know Your will."

Fall Festivity

Hello again!

As cooler temperatures roll into the area, we are prompted once again to reflect on a new season. I suppose it's time to bust out the fun velvety jacket, the cute boots, and fun tights. As nature slows down, it's perhaps time for us to do some reflection, slowing down, shedding, and surrendering. So, carve out some time, get a nice spicy smelling candle, and dig in.

After listening to Kimberly Wilson's super-awesome and inspiring teleclass (http://www.kimberlywilson.com/blog/), we are encouraged again to bust out our eight petals for fall.

Self Study
"How do geese know when to fly the sun? Who tells them the season? How do we humans know when it is time to move on? As with migrant birds, so surely with us there is a voice within if only we would listen to it, that tells us certainly when to go forth into the unknown." - Kubler-Ross

Think About:
1) What is your inner voice telling you to do this fall?

2) What is ready to unfold in your life that you have kept hidden or hesitate to do out of fear?

3) What are your top 5 goals and dreams you would like to accomplish by December 21?

Savor Solo Time
Think About:
1) What are ways you can replenish and feel renewed?

2) Do you have a go-to list of things that make you feel better? Are they readily available for you?

3) Plan a Solo Girl's Night in! I love hot baths with bath bombs from Lush. I also enjoy practicing the Ayurvedic Massage (http://www.omplace.com/articles/Ayurvedic_Massage.html) which provides you the time to slowly take care of yourself and nourish your skin. Other supplies that help are good playlists on your iPod, your journal, a good book, and a comfy bed.

4) Play Tourist in a Nearby Town -- I've pulled out an article place in the Continental magazine about Galveston. I was flying back from Heathrow and I felt a little weird because I have been wanting to go all summer, but just never made it down there. Somehow I've managed to plan trips all over, but haven't found the time to make an hour drive down to Galveston. It would be fun to just ride my bike, look through the cute little shops, sip some coffee at the cafe on Post Office St, and catch a show at the Opera House.

5) Plan an Afternoon in a Cafe with a Good Book and Journal

6) Indulge in a Matinee! The movie theater near my house has $4 matinees.

Indulge in Frugalista Fashion
Kimberly Recommended a Few Bargain Items to Check out and Work in Your Fall Repetoire
1) Shoes (http://www.paylessontherunway.com/index.html)I haven't been to Payless in years. I actually prefer to buy nicer shoes at DSW or take my shoes to a repair man. But, it doesn't hurt to take a peek.

2) Knit a Scarf. (Oh goodness! If you know me, you are probably cringing out this. LOL)There are other crafty ventures like peacock headbands, faux fur collars, and beading your own necklace. These can also end up as cute gifts during the holidays.

3) Throwing on layers of your favorite summer clothes. I do indulge in this. I have a long sleeved black top that I can layer under my summer dresses. I also like fun and cute knit stockings. I might try some crazy colors like purple this year. You can also layer on your favorite cute boots under a nice skirt or dress.

Self Care
As the holidays, events, time with family and friends start to pile on at the end of the season, it is very important to nourish yourself.
1) Drink lots of water. 2) Use moisturizer and sunscreen. 3) Get lots and lots of sleep. 4) Use oatmeal in facial cleanser. 5) Use chilled tea bags on tired eyes. 6) Get a fun fall colored lipstick. 7) Use your lip balm. 8) getting a facial 9) footrubs/mani/pedi 10)staying in bed days 11) hot baths 12) flowers/candles

Go on Retreat
Try out a retreat center or stay at home and set aside some time. Light some candles, burn some incense, get out your favorite beverage, get some napping in, do some restorative/yin yoga, plan out big goals, journal, gratitude, and reading. :)

Think Ahead
Where would you like to be by September 21, 2009? Location-Career-Activities-Savings...
How will those things play out in 5 years? We should be in a position that is slighlty uncomfortable and pushing our edges.

Embrace Social Media Get connected with blogs, twitter, linkedin and facebook. Expand your social community on the internet.

Mantra May all beings be happy and free. May the thoughts, words and actions of my own life contribute in some way to the happiness and freedom for all.

Perspective -- Negative Space

I was enjoying a beautiful Chicago afternoon. The sun was out and a nice breeze came through making it comfortable to sit outside on the patio at Cafe Ba Ba Reeba. I was having a wonderful conversation and just catching up. The red sangria was tasty and refreshing especially after a long walk along Lake Michigan. Each little detail reminded me of trips taken to Spain and Italy in the past year: people enjoying their afternoon, eating good food, the tasty bread with olive oil, the smell of the lamb and ribs, the romantic combination of smoky bacon and sweet dates, and the big giant jamon legs just hanging right over the bar welcoming the guests.

My dinner companion and I got a little sad because we were basically in denial that the summer was pretty much over. Both of us just started grad school and we wondered how there were people on the other side of the Atlantic lucky enough to live a relaxed lifestyle while we were slaving away here in the land of results, efficiency, and productivity.

Why are we always looking at what we don't have instead of what we are lucky enough to have? Perhaps it's time to be more grateful for what we get instead of what other people have? Ever wonder that God knows what you deserve? And He feels what you have been given is what you are honestly ready to handle right now?

In art class, we were working on negative space. It's when you look at the space outside of the object instead of the form of the object. I straight up can't stand doing it. My classmates over the summer also struggled with it, and my former teacher almost threw a hissy fit because we all sucked at it. I think she almost threw a chair at us. I blocked that part out of my mind.

My shoulders tensed up when we started drawing the negative spaces around a step ladder and random bamboo stick. My teacher came around and told me to slow down. He encouraged me to really examine the shapes coming around the objects. I just wanted to rush through it because I found the exercise reminded me of those unpleasant days in the past. If I'm not immediately grasping a concept, I'm ready to move on to something else. Or if something made me unhappy in the past, I sometimes just shut down and don't want to re-visit that terrible memory. Yeah, I know, it's not the most mature way to handle things.

Then, we moved on to an exercise where we had to take on the letters of our name. He told us to twist the letters, examine the form of the letters, and make it abstract. I couldn't do it. In my job, I am asked to make images and words meaningful and relevant. I kept on trying to make my name recognizable.

My art teacher and classmates did a walk-around. It was pretty obvious that I missed the point of the assignment. All the other kids had these cool elaborate symbols. I wanted to blurt out,"Well yeah, but I can't see the letters or their freakin' name! I could have made some shit up too. Plus, they aren't even using negative space." But, our teacher wanted us to focus on making a beautiful, abstract drawing and eventually later find the letters in the piece that made out our name. I told him that in my job I'd get in trouble if I made something that required an explanation. That clarity, relevance, and logic are important. It was so hard to break through my boundaries.

This morning, I started to doodle, and in the jumble of letters, I started to trip out! I could see something emerging like the cannabis-induced vision of an ant colony that comes out of the tile on your kitchen floor. I could see a human figure coming out of the letters: a head and some arms and legs! Eventually, I saw a beautiful woman in the letters standing proud and tall and graceful. It dawned on me that I just had to think creatively and push myself. Instead of pouting or stomping my feet about how much this sucked or felt pointless, I just realized that I had to be open and walk away from the harshness and rules I relied on so much.

I close this entry from Sarah Ban Breathnach's "Simple Abundance":
"We've got the big picture but it's backwards. So we cry when we should be laughing, are envious when we should feel inspired, experience deprivation instead of abundance, do it the hard way instead of the easy way, pull back instead of reaching out. And worst of all, we close our hearts so we won't get hurt, when opening them is the only way we'll ever know joy.

How many times have we waited for [the] Spirit to move for us when in fact [the] Spirit is waiting to work with us?

Today take the negative of your Divine Plan and let Love develop so that you can begin living the life for which you were created. It's time to move forward."

back to working out - soul stretching

Yeah, I'm not talking about the working out where I register for a race and plot out some workouts for the next couple months. I'm talking about the working out that happens in your heart and soul. When you have to face yourself all the good parts and the ugly parts and really discover what is keeping you from connecting with God and why God created you and me.

As the fall begins, I don't want to lose touch of those important issues stirring in my heart and I am again soul-searching. I've realized that I'm at a stage in my spiritual walk that needs to be updated, spruced up, cleaned up...

:: try out a new church community, small group, and meet other humble people searching for God

:: put in the time to fix what I need to fix instead of constantly consuming and criticizing my surroundings and situations

:: connect with creation and realize that God is the ultimate creator (nothing that we can do can fulfill all the desires in our heart) and we are created for God and by God

:: the sooner I see how serious this relationship with God is the sooner I can come to terms with handling myself the way I was originally intended to (what is God's role in my life? what does God want me to do?)

So, here's to another week of fall. I hope to find time to really renew my commitments to God - our only one true perfect love...

the seed -- scary, bold and exciting

So, I am thinking about starting my own business. I know everyone has those lofty dreams. But, it starts from somewhere like the time I decided to run a half marathon, finish a triathlon, or finally take more art classes. It starts with a small voice in your head and heart, and it usually doesn't go away until the dream comes into fruition.

I am not really sure how or where to start. Well, that's not all entirely true. I worked for a couple small businesses and a nonprofit consulting firm for entrepreneurs. I have also been hearing these ideas of working for myself and mixed in with the ideas of space and time and work/life/balance. I don't think my life will get any easier, but I suppose it would be an interesting venture.

I just started graduate school, and a lot of people keep asking me what the heck do I suppose I will do with the degree once I'm done. And, to be honest I am not really sure... But, the option of working for myself does sound alluring... More research must be done.

I titled this entry "the seed" because of Lynne Franks' "The Seed Handbook." SEED stands for Sustainable Enterprise and Empowerment Dynamics. She speaks in a bold and compassionate way, and her enthusiasm is very inspiring. If I am really going to put myself out there, there is a whole lot of sh*t I am gonna have to clean up about myself: clutter, distractions, my fiscal responsibilities and negative messages from me and the people I surround myself with for the next few years. But, it all starts with a desire in your heart -- a desire that God has planted. Gently pushing our edges without self-criticism, slowly and with confidence learning what God wants for us, and finding that intersect of happiness (where your soul and God's intentions meet).

So, who knows... where this adventure will take me, but I figure... may as well. Today is as good as any.

BKS Iyengar

While taking a break from dorking out (aka studying) at Border's Galleria, I picked up a book called "Yoga Wisdom and Practice" by BKS Iyengar. I read a little bit about how he got started in yoga, and it is an amazing story about growing up very, very weak and fragile. Oftentimes, he would get sick very easily and his struggles to attempt to use yoga in his life.

I found the following quote quite lovely: "Each day was an ordeal but God's grace forced me to make one more attempt for every failure." God's grace - I thought it was so beautiful to think about. If he wasn't open to communicating to God, he would not have had the hope to continue doing his asanas. God's grace is the fuel that completes us and helps us to accept where we are -- imperfect and incomplete. God's grace is the undeserved gift or deed that God gives.

Thank God for his grace. His grace is a guide for me to understand who we are: human beings created in his image and likeness though marred by sin.

Facing Your Fears

Facing the Fears...Staring at Your Demons...and Kicking Resistance in the Stomach

I think you know what I'm talking about. Those nasty questions that bug you at night or when you're waiting for the bus or going for a walk: "What if I'm not good enough? What if he no longer loves me and dumps me? What if I'm honestly meant to be alone? What if it's not in the cards for me and I really don't deserve anything I am working hard for? What if they find out that I'm really stupid and don't know what I'm doing?...." Anyway, I'm sure you can insert your own concerns here...

Do you ever get concerned about things? You think way too much about something? You ever dwell in doubt and fears that it becomes an unwelcomed friend?

What do you do to deal with it?

- Sometimes I just sit there and wonder where the hell this is all coming from? There's an obvious message underneath all that crap and self-doubt. It's important to get to the root of that message.

- In response to it, sometimes I write those fears down or say them out loud. In a way, I almost think by writing or saying them I am giving those fears power. But, eventually, you have to face them and let them out. Then you can rationally and logically and even spiritually be mindful of them. Lay them out before God. There is a cosmos that is greater than you. Let nature take its course and through breathing and experience you can calm your nerves.

- Sometimes, I just cry. I know that is really insane and crazy for some people to think about, but sometimes it's really all you wanted to do. The tears, emotions, and frustration eventually come up to the top of glass and float there. Play your sad music and just cry. It's okay.

- Tell a friend or a family member. Sometimes they can put your fears into perspective.

It was interesting to read about what Steven Pressfield says about fear in "The War of Art."

"These are serious fears. But they're not the real fear. Not the Master Fear, the Mother of all Fears that's so close to us that even when we verbalize it we don't believe it. Fear That We Will Succeed.

That we can access the powers we secretly know we possess.

That we can become the person we sense in our hearts we truly are.

This is the most terrifying propsect a human being can face, because it ejects him at one go (he imagines) from all the tribal inclusions his psyche is wired for and has been for fifty million years.

We fear discovering that we are more than we think we are. More than our parents/children/teachers think we are. We fear that we actually possess the talent that our still, small voice tells us. That we actually have the guts, the perseverance, the capacity. We fear that we truly can steer our ship, plant our flag, reach our Promised Land. We fear this because if it's true, then we become estranged from all we know. We pass through a membrane. We become monsters and monstrous.

We know that if we embrace our ideals, we must prove worthy of them. And that scares the hell out of us. What will become of us? We will lose our friends and family, who will no longer recognize us. We will wind up alone, in the cold void of starry space, with nothing and no one to hold on to.

Of course, this is exactly what happens. But here's the trick. We wind up in space, but not alone. Instead we are tapped into an unquenchable, undepletable, inexhaustible, source of wisdom, consciousness, companionship. Yeah, we lose friends. But we find friends too, in places we never thought to look. And they're better friends, truer friends. And we're better and truer to them.

Do you believe me?"

Brilliance

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." -- Marianne Williamson

1) Showing gratitude.
2) Attitude of acceptance (NOT complacency).
3) Recognizing when credit is due and being supportive to others.
4) Dealing with pride and jealousy. Life is definitely too short for pettiness.
5) Finding God's true passion for your life.

People-People-People

I've been thinking about relationships and friendships lately. Actually, the sad thing is I have been recalling the crappy parts of relationships: the exhaustion, loss of trust, and drama. It almost makes you wanna crawl in a hole and do your own thing and beat people with a stick. That's what ugliness can do to ones spirit. But, the beautiful thing about God is that He made us to be in relationship with Him and in others. We are not meant to be an island on our own. What's the fun in that?

I came across Milton Glaser's website, and he had this interesting article called "Ten Things I Have Learned." And, it's funny. I'm sure a lot of people KNOW this and have experienced it and struggle with it. It's my hope that I lean on God to show me how to manage my relationships better because goodness I can't do it by myself. I've got to be infused with the unique and graceful love that only Jesus knows how to do. It's also my hope that I can slowly convert my heart to feel what Jesus feels, push out some of the pettiness and crabbiness that has crusted all around my heart, and pursue his greatest command of love.

From Milton Glaser's "Ten Things I've Learned"
SOME PEOPLE ARE TOXIC AVOID THEM.
This is a subtext of number one. There was in the sixties a man named Fritz Perls who was a gestalt therapist. Gestalt therapy derives from art history, it proposes you must understand the ‘whole’ before you can understand the details. What you have to look at is the entire culture, the entire family and community and so on. Perls proposed that in all relationships people could be either toxic or nourishing towards one another. It is not necessarily true that the same person will be toxic or nourishing in every relationship, but the combination of any two people in a relationship produces toxic or nourishing consequences. And the important thing that I can tell you is that there is a test to determine whether someone is toxic or nourishing in your relationship with them. Here is the test: You have spent some time with this person, either you have a drink or go for dinner or you go to a ball game. It doesn’t matter very much but at the end of that time you observe whether you are more energised or less energised. Whether you are tired or whether you are exhilarated. If you are more tired then you have been poisoned. If you have more energy you have been nourished. The test is almost infallible and I suggest that you use it for the rest of your life.

fire in the belly!

Last night, I went to yoga class and quick and dirty twenty minute run. I loved how delicious the stretches were in class, and I could feel the neurons in my head buzzing as my yoga instructor asked us to try new poses. I like the concept of stretching the confines of my mind, the length of my muscles, and having a big grin on my face while I'm in class. Afterwards, I felt a little tired, but I thought,"Come on girlie! Just run for twenty minutes!." So, I went out on a muggy evening and I managed to eek out my twenty minutes. It was similar to that weird feeling I get when I get off my bike and jump into a three mile run.

Getting my body in motion inspired me again! It motivated me to do a triathlon this fall. I wanted to do three triathlons or do two triathlons and a surfing class. I did one triathlon in Pearland, and I will be doing the Eastside Triathlon in Baytown on September 13th. Woo hoo! Instead of doing a third triathlon, I will be doing surfing class in Port Aransas with my beau. It should be lots of fun.

It's amazing how when you find that place where God made you, create the time to appreciate and take care of yourself, and push yourself gently and lightly. There's this beautiful energy that rises from it. Just lovely...quite lovely....

getting back in the groove

I am back in the country once again. Wow, who knew I would end up going on two international trips this summer. I am very, very blessed for those experiences. As I make a courageous attempt to do my best in my professional work, art work, and physical challenges, I had a couple quotes to share:

* From Steven Pressfield's "Art on War": "There's no mystery to turning pro. It's a decision brought about by an act of will. We make up our minds to view ourselves as pros and we do it. Simple as that."

I have done a lot of thinking about career, hobbies, interests --> I am constantly thinking about happiness. I honestly believe happiness is when your desire in your heart and soul matches with the intention that God put forth for your life. We won't get at that intersection by being lazy, wasting away, or avoiding those urges and desires that well up inside our guts. The "Art of War" has been a beautiful and convicting motivator.

* Jack Wisdom's lecture on gratitude and ingratitude: a thankful heart

Wow, it is so easy to always look at what we don't have. Or feel like the card we were dealt was cruel or unfair. It's important to start each day with a thankful heart. Write down or tell a loved one the little things that make you feel grateful for the blessings God gives. I like how the apostle Paul despite his circumstances in jail was always committed to having a thankful heart. God so badly wants us to recognize the beauty he created for us each day. Don't forget to create space in your life to do that.

"This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it!"

Questions for Me: Summer Solstice

So, it's 6 months into the year. OOOOOOHH! Ahhhhh!!!!

Kimberly Wilson is encouraging me to work on 8 topics.

1. How do I want to SHINE this summer? What is ready to SHINE but is not coming out because of fear or hesitance?

2. Travel: What choices are we making that prevent us from traveling this summer?

3. Get an Artist Date accomplished every week.

4. Do something that scares you.

5. Create a morning ritual.

6. Reflect on how you spend your time.

7. Get your heart rate up.

8. Reach out.

All is quiet...

It's been more than a week since I've gotten back from the Philippines, and I still have yet to find a normal sleeping pattern! gaar...

But, that's okay. That's just a sign from my body and from God that I need to learn how to relax and rest. Still have lots of ideas running through my head. It's time for me to hone in on what I really want to do, setting up a plan, and learning ways to plan out my finances and time to invest in it.

Art school today was really good. I feel so out of my element though, but that's okay. Lord knows that I need to get out of my comfort zone. Just as long as I'm experiencing good pain and uncomfortable situations that will work out in the long run. I've got to pick up my art school supplies. I don't want to get kicked out of class. My teacher sounds a little hard core actually. heheheh I want to check out her exhibit at the Lawndale soon!

Prayer time has been good lately. I worked on my spiritual autobiography - I want to lay it out on a larger piece of paper sometime because I think it would be interesting to set aside and look at. Basically a spiritual autobiography is a way to examine how your experiences and past have related to your view and relationship with God. It's interesting how crappy stuff can totally warp your view of God and make you feel -- Geez, God must really hate me because He let this stuff happen to me. And, get all pouty and in a tizzy. It's rather immature and silly, but at the time, you don't feel real great and it does suck.

I like the message that Jack Wisdom taught us on Sunday and the term: Ehyey (or "Ay - yay"). It means "I will be with you." Sometimes that's really all I need to know. In the midst of craziness, stress, cluelessness and busy-ness, "I will be with you" is essentially what I need to know. That trust and confidence in God is crucial for my sanity.

How many times have I failed to look at a situation maturely because I was so afraid that the bottom was gonna fall out or suddenly that job or that relationship was going to bail? "I will be with you" is that promise and that fulfillment that I oftentimes so desperately wanted to hear when I was younger. This life and this world is so temporary. Thus, we invest so much in wanting to feel secure and comfortable by spending time on some of the most meaningless stuff (even stuff that we think is important like your career or school --> but just doing it for the wrong reasons). Ehyey -- I thank God I have Him.

I will continue to create a finished product of my spiritual autobiography and continue working through these Augustine spiritual exercises. I'm hopeful that I can just continue to be open and flexible -- slowly we can all work on discovering who God intended for us to be. It just takes time, stillness, quiet, and reflection. Easier said than done... but I'm excited about the summer, I think it will be a good time to really challenge and think about things.

wow - I know! No blogging, no love and no time!

So, I am back here again! I hope to honestly make an effort this summer to write in this. I miss the free time that I had to share some of my thoughts, and I think that when someone doesn't have that space and time to sort/settle/ and clean up the mind -- it can be a very dangerous circumstance. You may be wondering what the heck I have been up to lately. Let's just say that from March up until about now has been pretty busy and hectic. It got so bad that my body decided to take her own vacation and was out of commission for four days with bronchitis in April. Then, I took a two-week vacation to the Motherland. I hope to share some of what I've learned from the trip. I'll definitely have to tell you about:
- Jollibee
- Driver/bodyguards
- Swimming with tropical fish, running on the beach and ziplining over the jungle
- And, the not so pretty: father-daughter bonding at 2am and crying on a bus

I've also got a ton of ideas/projects brewing in my crazy, overactive mind.
- Continuing my thoughts and exercises on prayer: Thanks to Ignatian Spiritual exercises!
- The Russians: I'm trying to finish The Idiot and am tempted to move on to Lolita. I've got tickets to Swan Lake - woohoo!
- Preparing for graduate school: becoming MACinized, taking a summer drawing class, figuring out if this is really what I need to be doing
- This is triathlon season: I would like to compete in three triathlons this summer.
- Surfing camp in July: I totally missed out on this last summer, and I really want to go.
- Spain: Trying to get the heck out of dodge again? Gotta make some choices and see if I can get over there this summer.
- Choosing and investing in my dreams/future: Yeah, what the heck am I doing? I am back into that part of my life where I'm not sure what it going on? I'm bored/restless/craving something new. But, what that is exactly? I have no clue!
- Doing My Shit the Right Way: I know I run my mouth, say uncouth things and can be really LOUD! How does one continue to change and respond to stress with grace, class, and style? Regardless of my circumstance, I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Do I honestly believe that?

long time no blogging!

I miss writing in this thing. sniff... sniff...Sorry I have been so ragged and busy. I promise I will write in this thing this week. Just been a very traumatizing month for me, and I am still trying to readjust to things.

being present

Sometimes I have trouble focusing with what tasks are on hand. Somehow I'm either playing catch-up or I'm trying to feverishly anticipate for the next big thing coming around the corner. Were we made to run around at such a disgustingly frenetic pace?

I don't know about you, but I'm actually fed up with it.

And, I'm contributing to that pace. When I agree to doing something I don't really want to do... When I agree to doing something out of guilt and not of love... When I take on too much stuff... When I commit to too much stuff and I end up looking like a frosted flake... When I ask people to do something and pressure them into it...

It's time for me to really honor what it means to take a Sabbath. The word is based on the word Shabbat in Hebrew meaning "to cease." I'm trying to remember the last Sunday evening where I honestly felt rested... Where I was so rested and relaxed I was ready to take on the next week... There's a term called the Sunday night blues where people suffer a mild form of depression because they know that Monday is just around the corner.

I'm ready to feel renewed and relaxed.

I hope that I will wake up on Sunday and truly honor what it means "to cease."

where am I in the project

Since I've finished two weeks of this crazy project (100 miles, 100 prayers, $100 to charity and 100 hours of service) thus far, here's where I am:

:: $100 raised - I still have to put the money in Sheila's fundraising page
:: 10.75 hours in service to others
:: 22 miles
:: 15 sessions in meditation, prayer, and/or delving into the Word

I don't know why this feels weird tracking my progress. It's not like you can buy a Nike watch which tracks the activities on my soul either.

Continue to pray that this doesn't become legalistic. That what I'm doing pleases God and doesn't delineate from that path.

tuesday morning prayer

So, here's an interesting exercise in prayer...

I took a legal pad out and I tried to fill it up with things I was thankful to God for. At first it seemed a little weird to me. Who does that? Finds things to be thankful for. Aren't we more in tune to knowing what we need to pray for or are more focused on our inequities and injustices? But, it's humbling and joyful at the same time. It makes you embrace the attitude and belief that God already provides you with more than enough. You should be swimming in His grace. There should be so much in your life already there because He knows our needs already.

So, I scribbled things down and it really forced me to consider what I really invested my time in doing last week and really got me to pin down the good things, events, and people already there in my life. I got to about half the page and wanted to quit, but I kept going. I kept replaying my week and thinking about moments that I almost forgotten about -- searching for the good, the beauty, and joy God keeps giving us. Maybe the next time I do it I won't feel so lame about having a thankful heart. Also, maybe the next time someone does good I'll verbally recognize it and quickly thank the person.

After my crazy thankfulness writing, I delved into the passages Chris Seay mentioned on Sunday. Psalm 25, Genesis 9, 1 Peter 3, and Mark 1. I was especially drawn to Psalm 25. There's humility and beauty in it and if you are ever lost or feeling like crap, it's a good one to look at and pray about. I also liked 1 Peter 3. Will probably read over those two, let those two marinate for the next few days and see what I can do to put what inspires me into action.

Finally, I filled up a sheet on prayers. Wow, it's is so much easier to find things we should pray for as opposed to finding things to be thankful for. I mean God isn't a vending machine by any means, but if we can constantly be looking out for one another, pray for one another, love for one another who knows what God can do with that.

Getting Rid of My Wii

Yeah, so do you want to know something really sad and disturbing? For more than a year, I've owned an xBOX 360 and a wii. And, honestly, for the majority of the year, I've never played them. Actually, right now, they are in my brother's possession because I have no use for them. There's a good reason for that. I'm not a hardcore gamer. Never been to any special event with the word "CON" in the title. It's just not in me to want to continually play games like that until 2 or 3 in the morning.

Sure, it's fun to play GH on occasion with friends. I have a lot of good friends that I play GH with, but it's not an obsession for us. Seriously, I'd rather do other things with my personal time. Perhaps, it was just another passing fad that we all go through like drinking pepsi or acid wash jeans. I just eventually grew out of it I suppose.

So months have passed and I've been really torn about what to do with the game systems. I was actually going to donate them to the Burundi children or find an after-school program to give the systems to. My little brother has had them for a while, but since he's too busy, he doesn't really use them either.

Well eventually, I got the opportunity to sell my wii. I would have given it away since it was a gift, but to make things easier, I just told the person to give me what she felt comfortable paying. She gave me $100 for it. And, that so happens to be the same amount of money I wanted to donate to a charity by Easter.

I'm glad that this wii is going to give some joy to someone else since it hasn't brought me any of those things lately. Someone out there will actually use it instead of having it collect dust for months. The sad thing is there's a child out there with parents who can't afford to purchase such luxuries and I greedily hoarded these things for months. Sadly enough, I wasn't even really using them. The xBox is still with my brother for now. He said he would like to use it. So, at least both systems will be put to use for now.

I have a close relative who has been battling lupus for two years now. So, I've decided to donate the money to lupus research. She is participating in a charity walk. So, I'll put the funds toward her event. This brings me great joy...

Philippians 4:8-9

I know I typed these two verses up a couple posts ago, but it is probably worth going over again. There's a lot to really dig into within these two sentences.

"Finally, my friends, keep your minds on whatever is true, pure, right, holy, friendly and proper. Don't ever stop thinking about what is truly worthwhile and worthy of praise. You know the teachings I gave you, and you know what you heard me say and saw me do. So follow my example. And God, who gives peace, will be with you." Philippians 4:8-9

Goodness, these two verses are packed with a lot. And, it is very convicting if you look at these qualities in the terms of relationships: the character you have, the character of the company you keep, and the quality of the relationships you keep.

If you're jaded, tired, or feeling beaten down, these sentences may be hard to accept or adopt. But, there's hope in these words. "God, who gives peace, will be with you." I want that peace. I want the kind of genuine peace that only God can give. Sadly enough, as a person who grew up in the church, I should already know this. When we embody these qualities being true, pure, right, holy, friendly and proper, we become more Christ-like and we can experience a deeper level of peace and ultimately a deeper relationship with God.

So, why don't I do this? Well, mostly because it's easier for me to not face these issues. Instead, I delve into distractions and find other hiding places to provide artificial and temporary comforts. It's also MUCH easier to point out others who don't possess these qualities instead of worrying about if I, myself, have these qualities. It's much easier to complain about what others have done to us or see what others are lacking. Flipping around that perspective -- It's just so much harder for us to take the log out of our eye and see who we really are, examine our own flaws, and possess the change we so badly want to see in others.

That's sad to me. It's time for me to re-examine my priorities. Continue to change my attitude and see the changes that need to happen in my heart and in my decisions, and actions. How often do I focus on truth, purity, righteousness, holiness,friendliness, and propriety? How often is it important for me to seek people who can teach me these qualities? And, do my relationships with people possess these qualities?

The only way I can learn to possess these qualities is through God. I must continue to develop my love and desire to be with Him. I know I can't be these things on my own. I've seen the ugliness that I'm capable of doing, saying, and acting upon when I do things on my own. I pray for God to help me during Lent. I ask Him to help me examine each of these qualities. Find those weak spots inside me. Fill in the love that I honestly am seeking. So, I may find that peace and relationship with God I so badly want.

attitude adjustments

I'm in serious need of an attitude adjustment-- there are times at my work when little things start to bug me and I wonder, "Really? In the whole scheme of things this is what we're stressing over?" I think about how I much rather be reading, napping or praying in the mornings than to actually strive to be at my job on time.



And, when I do find the time to pray or meditate, somehow I'm already exhausted or just want my mind to go completely numb. So, I'll go home and talk on the phone, read a magazine, or fill in whatever mindless activity.



Tired and spent, but really needing to see Jesus' love, I went to neXus. They were reading over Ecclesiastes and the verse:"It's better to enjoy what we have than to always want something else, because that makes no more sense than chasing the wind." Ecc 6:9 It really struck a nerve in my heart and I started thinking about my frustrations and looked at how much frustration has taken over my attitude.


What I have each day is a provision from God that I should learn to appreciate and enjoy. I know I should be aware of frustration and unfortunate circumstance, but I can't let it take my attitude hostage. I need to see this world with more gratitude.


If I didn't deal with cranky people or have a plethora of work to do, then what am I honestly being paid to do. There wouldn't be anything for me to do if the work was perfectly completed on its own. If I didn't take in the good with the bad, what was the point of me being there. In the midst of lay-offs and people looking for a new job, how grateful was I about my steady paycheck and supportive supervisors and colleagues?


Did I ever think about the longer hours a few of my colleagues put in so I don't have to stay late and do even more work? Did I ever think about the two consecutive nights that my supervisor stayed late with me so my event would go well? Did I honestly appreciate the happy yellow flowers, the baked goodies, and balloons they surprised me with on my three-year anniversary?


It's hard work. But, did I ever think about the hard work that my Compassion child's family has to endure? Did I ever think about the hard work that my parents did in order to send me to school? Or the hard work that the janitors did after an event I managed? There are crazy people and crazy hours. But, it's so easy for people to bitch. Any situation in life can be a bitch session and that's incredibly heartbreaking to think about. Sure you can bitch about what you don't have or it can be an opportunity to let God's love fill in those inadequacies in attitude. It can be a time to find more ways to be grateful. I'm sure there are so many actions that go unnoticed. When will I remove my sense of entitlement and uncover an attitude of gratefulness? When will I stop expecting things to be better and realize that God gives me more than enough and God actually wants me to find the joy in what is already given.


Yeah, I should be aware of frustration and difficulty, but I need to learn to work through it and accept it. Acceptance and working through difficulty are two concepts that our society doesn't like to own up to -- and I am guilty of this as well.


Changing gears a little, but this will help understand acceptance and working through frustration. Have you ever tried to do pigeon pose in yoga? It's a pose where you have to stretch out your hip muscle. If you run a lot, the muscle can get very tight. When I first did the pose, I could barely stay balanced and I felt like I was doing it wrong and was concerned about toppling over. My instructor didn't tell us to modify or quit though. She kept telling us to "push the edges" and to recognize the discomfort and pain because in life that's what we have to do sometimes. Of course, we shouldn't be in the pose if it would injure ourselves, but there is a point where you can slowly and safely breathe into this muscle and accept the discomfort. You can also recognize that you don't have to avoid discomfort. You can slowly and patiently face it, and eventually through patience, you can face that pain better.

I know the analogy might sound lame to people who don't do yoga, but it helps me see my spiritual challenges better. It helps me to appreciate where God has placed me, and if I'm always looking for an opportunity to bitch, I won't recognize the beauty that is already there and how God is overflowing with those blessings.

lots of thoughts swirling and swirling

So, it's been about a week since I've embarked on this project. I've logged in 17.75 miles -- 17 miles from running and 3/4 of mile in swimming. I'm pretty happy about that considering I was suffering from burnout from the half marathon in January and really didn't want to run for a while. The racking up of the miles has been easy, but it's been hard to not sign up for a spring race. If I sign up for a race especially during Lent, I think I would have missed the point of this project.

The goal isn't to train for a race. The point of this project is to invest some time with God. There are two verses that have grabbed my attention that I've been pondering over:

"It's better to enjoy what we have than to always want something else, because that makes more sense than chasing the wind." Ecclesiastes 6:9

"Finally my friends keep your minds on whatever is true, right, holy, friendly, and proper. Don't ever stop thinking about what is truly worthwhile and worthy of praise. You know the teachings I gave you and you know what you heard me say and saw me do. So follow my example. And God who gives peace, will be with you." Philippians 4:8-9

In my next post, I'll talk a little more about them.

the hundred challenge in miles, treasure, and time

Back in 2004, I tried to dedicate 100 miles of running for the purpose of reflecting and meditating on God. I figured each mile would be a pocket of time that I could reflect on His word, pray for a person, appreciate a snapshot of beauty, or think about ways I would honor Him.

Needless to say, I never finished the project.To be honest, it wasn't until yesterday when I was reviewing my old blog that I realized that I even started such a project. I would like to restart this project. Basically, it's 100 miles (swimming, biking, or running) dedicated to 100 meditations. It's taking something that I love and dedicating it to God, our first real and honest love.

But, I don't want to stop there.

My second challenge is that I'd also like to donate a hundred dollars to a worthy cause by Easter. Right now, I don't know if that's possible. I give to a lot of good causes already: my church, the annual fund at my job and alma mater, to Nana in Indonesia, and to a couple doing ministry work at the University of Texas. I am also paying for a car repair and a vacation to Asia. But, I think with a few sacrifices (less beers, more packed lunches, and home-cooked meals), another hundred is possible.

My third challenge is to provide 100 hours of service to others. To be honest, carving out time for others will most likely be the most difficult for me to figure out. But, I know I do waste my time on some pretty mindless stuff.

Who knows if I will finish this project. This is definitely a crazy challenge -- miles, treasure and time. It's a triathlon for my soul!

thanks to "Crazy Love"

I've started this blog project because I've just finished the book "Crazy Love." I was so moved and stirred by the book -- I'd oftentimes find myself in tears or paralyzed in thought wondering about so many things that I have settled for in life. I've placed my life in a simple box -- in general, I've had a pretty happy life as a single, young woman. I have my freedom, a stable job, good family, good friends, a church...

At the beginning of this year, I was wondering what my new goals would be and I reviewed the New Year's resolutions I set out for myself last year. I was happy with my 2008 accomplishments:

:: Lost 25 pounds - It was a challenge to have to track everything I ate, but I wanted to take care of what God gave me and learn how to eat healthy.

:: Ran a sub-thirty minute 5K - For the longest time, my running speed never went anywhere until I pushed myself to join a running group with coaches. The group and my trainers pushed me to change my habits and try new things. It took almost the whole year, but in November I ran a 5K in 27 minutes.

:: Completed my first triathlon - A kind friend loaned me a bicycle and I was able to train for a sprint triathlon. Doing something so different and challenging was very exciting for me. It was nice to get back into the pool and get back on a bike. Running, swimming, and biking reminded me of those summer days as a kid when we'd play for hours until the sun came down.

I worked hard for each of these things. I had to take an honest assessment of who I was and accept what my body could do. A doctor told me my body was made up of 37% body fat. There are no white lies or excuses when the lab results are in your face like that. I faced the facts -- I was overweight and pretty flabby. But, I accepted and loved the body that I had. This body got me through 31 years of my life, and it was time for me to take care of it. I patiently made small changes. I knew with time, patience and discipline I could accomplish these things.

Then, suddenly after reading "Crazy Love," I thought to myself, "What bold dreams have I ever had for God?" My mind got pretty quiet. I spent some mornings praying and doing yoga. Perhaps, I thought about my spirituality in small group or church. But, have I ever honestly pushed the confines of my soul? Have I ever honestly desired God and his presence? Have I ever accepted a challenge from God just like the physical challenges I endured last year?

I can honestly say no. Not even close. I've never honestly felt a very strong intimate feeling to pursue God's heart and to live His desires. Don't get me wrong. I know who God is and I know I have accepted him, but I've never pushed my soul. I've never disciplined my soul.

I've waken up some mornings thinking,"Yes! It's a beautiful morning. Perfect day for a run. When will I have time for a run." Or, I've thought about my friends and family in that giddy excitement wondering,"Wow, I haven't seen her in a while! I wonder when I'll get to see her and ooh! We should go out and do this for fun."

I don't recall any great moments where my heart was so stirred and excited--where I wanted to please God and pull into His presence in the same way I look forward to going for a run or seeing an old friend. Yes, I love to pray and read the word, but not with that same excitement, discipline and zeal. So I have invested many hours in physical training -- when have I ever invested the time to honestly listen to God and follow through with a bold challenge or wanted to please God so badly I was willing to give up some of my own comfort and resources for others or wondered what I could do to please Him.

See thanks to this "Crazy Love" book... It really started getting me thinking more and more and more. To the point of guilt. But God doesn't want us to be paralyzed in guilt. He wants us to push past that. If I was created by Him and for Him, shouldn't that be my most important priority? Whatever I do in life should fit into honoring Him -- my resources, my talents, and my accomplishments ARE actually His resources, His talents and His accomplishments.

So with this blog, it is my goal to examine, pray, and act upon my pursuit for God's love. Resting in His presence and honestly seeking His desire and being the person He desires me to be. I hope with this blog I can record and share my thoughts on what "Crazy Love" has motivated me to be and experience a renewed sense of God's presence.

introducing mr. merton

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following Your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please You does in fact please You. And, I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that, if I do this, You will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust You always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for You are ever with me, and You will never leave me to face my perils alone.