Accept. Bless and get going.

 

::Acceptances::
Today.
My ability to run three miles.
Being without boyfriend for another few weeks.
Returning to an ugly place.
Living here.
A fresh start.

::Blessings::
Today.
Technology -- getting to communicate to my boyfriend and the magic of an iPhone.
A few sources of inspirations - good friends, flowers, cupcakes, pesto, and people kind of enough to respect and treat me well.
Money towards my Tokyo trip fund.
Discovering truth and happiness with less stuff, less drama, and less toxic people.

::Destinations::
More running, triathlons, and pools.
A good Danish designed couch, sunshine, and a book.
Japan.
Denver - again.
Tennessee.
Here in the present.
Truth in the heart and soul.
New opportunities.
The mystery and beauty of a life unfolding.

Summer Inspiration

It's amazing where sources of inspiration can come from. It can come from the strangest, unknown, or unexpected places. Or perhaps, the inspiration comes from something that was just underneath your nose. Most importantly, inspiration is something that only comes if you believe you deserve to recieve it. Inspiration is God's grace. People who have faith and believe in giving and recieving God's grace are more apt to understand inspiration, faith, and meditation.

Sometimes inspiration can be from a friend who is going through similar hardships and has moved on to a happier place. Inspiration can come from going on a much needed summer vacation or spending on afternoon taking care of yourself - watching a matinee, making your bed, getting a manicure, taking a hot bath, walking in a garden, or sitting quietly outside. The more trust and honesty you put in God and in your talents and abilities the easier inspiration gets. It can not be forced though. Sometimes inspiration just isn't ready to come out yet. Or maybe you are so busy doing everyday things that God doesn't feel you're ready to be open for inspiration or answered prayers. But, you have to continue living life, dreaming, praying, writing, and smiling with the hope and trust that the inspiration will come.

These are things that have been inspiring me this summer. May you carve out the time to find inspiration in your everyday life.

:: matching underwear - taking the time to start of wearing nice things is a sign of self respect

:: black eyeliner, earrings, and headbands - I have really short hair now and it really brings out my face and ears more. So, these are pretty affordab::le ways to update a wardrobe.

:: seeing photos of Paris and practicing my French - I like reconnecting to my "maternal" tongue. Exploring and revisiting my birthplace and listening to the beautiful language I was exposed to at such a young age is deeply motivating. I hope I can go to language school in Montreal, attend the Cordon Bleu in Paris, and explore French art sketching away, dreaming, and resting.

:: being comfortable in my own skin and loving who I am - there are ugly, mean people out there. sometimes they are strangers and sometimes they are loved ones. if you respect yourself enough to stand up for you and honor the beauty that resides in your appearance and in your sould, the harshness of others will wither away. the best form of revenge is continuing being a healthy, happy, beautiful woman. happy for no real honest reason comes from you and God alone.

:: being creative, examining images, and walking in an art museum - I connect to colors, images, shapes, and creativity. It is what inspires me in ways words cannot express.

:: writing and reading - Sharing my thoughts on a blog and reading great authors and articles are very motivating. Sometimes it is the only respite I can get when my thoughts, words and ideas are not accepted by others.

:: exercise - Since I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder, I have had to take a back seat to my intense training. I have had to slow it down and just take in little bouts of exercise like walking to Food Town, exploring my neighborhood on food, riding my bike to the duck pond, and going to yoga class. Slowing down was hard for me, but I have found that my "workouts" are much enjoyable.

:: cooking and being a foodie- I love practicing my Spanish in the farmer's market and examining all the various colored fruits. I like reading all the bottles of spices and watching the Food Network. I feel a deep connection to nourishing myself. Just like wearing nice underwear, taking the time to feed yourself and rest during your meal is a simple luxury and sign of self-respect.

:: traveling - This year, I have been blessed to go on some fun trips. New Year's was spent exploring waterfalls, tropical rainforests, and beaches in Costa Rica. For my birthday, my beau brought me to my birthplace Montreal - such a beautiful place, arty, sexy, and cultured. Denver was lovely and natural. I was able to hike Mount Audobon, bike around town, and eat some good food with good friends who are supportive and adventurous. I've also taken some fun trips in Texas to the blueberry farm in Porter, hanging out at Barton Springs in Austin, and beer and oysters on a nice spring day in Galveston.

Delightful Denver

With a big cup of chai tea latte, Jacob's beloved laptop, and a big smile on my face, I am here to write a love letter. To who you may ask? Well, I think this love letter is addressed to the city of Denver, my friends Sunny, Aaron, Erika, and baby Maeleena, and ultimately to myself. This summer has been one of the most challenging and beautiful times in my life. I think for the first time I have realized how far off the mark my life has become. Going on a personal vacation has really helped noursih me in ways I can't describe fully. But, I do know that I am happy and at peace. It's amazing.

Just a few months ago, I felt trapped and struggled with so many things. Ultimately, I didn't know how to respect, care, nourish, and love myself in a way that was everlasting. I was raised and taught to believe that I had to be doing something, being someone, and showing others what I have been doing. It was the first time I decided to take care of me, discover who I am, and start to meditate on how to respect myself unconditionally and find happiness regardless of circumstance, material objects, people in my life, job, and education. It was hard to let go of those self-esteem boosters for a while. Getting caught up on what people will think of you and not allowing the time to honestly discover the beautiful person you really are is painful, blinding, and scary.

Someone asked me a week ago, "What I've been doing with my time?" And the question was loaded with a lot of ugliness and hate. The person made me feel like I was a dilletante wasting away my life when in fact, I have been struggling to love who I was and get back to being a healthy and happy woman. I almost think it was out of a place that came from her own struggles, jealousy, hate, frustration, and circumstance. But, the verbal daggers cut into my poor little developing heart and soul. When a loved one judges you, it can hurt in a way that a complete stranger can't hurt. It hurts a lot more.

I don't have to create a "billable hours" account on what I do with my time. I have always thought that if someone got to really know me and really try and understand me. They would of course know what I am all about. And, yes, reading my blog or perhaps finding me on facebook would help (good luck finding me on facebook - ha!), but ultimately, understanding someone comes with taking the time to talk to the person, spend time finding out what the person likes to do, and observing what brings them joy.

Even though this trip isn't how I originally intended for it to be, I am so glad I used my airlines miles to visit Colorado. The people here are nice, and you can really tell they love being here. You look up and you can see the Rocky Mountains while exploring downtown, you can take a cute bike taxi and ride to the park and museum, and you can strike up a conversation with people on the street, in a cafe, or anywhere in between. Sunny and Aaron are amazing and adventurous and it is inspiring to be around people who live with love, fun, and spirit. The older I get the harder it is to find happy people. People who off course have their challenges just like everyone else, but live a life with grace.

The best thing one can do when someone insults or hurts you is to just take a step back and re-commit to loving yourself, nourshing yourself, and connecting with your soul. If you show God where it hurts, God will patiently and lovingly pick you back up no matter how ugly and hurtful situations are and show you how life is still beautiful. A summertime trip filled with delights noursishes the broken heart -sketching, artwork, resting in a cafe, connecting with good friends, hiking in the mountains, biking at midnight, or a morning run through an undiscovered neighborhood. These are all things that you can't aquire quickly, can't find these things if you are at home watching tv, can't find slaving away in your office... True happiness regardless of the pain you are experiencing has to be carved out by your own willingness to pursue it.

Childhood Detective Work: Part II - Summertime

I remember I had this eye-opening realization when I was in college. I just always assumed that every kid during the summer traveled to the same places I did with my family. I almost choked on my food when I was sitting in the cafeteria, and everyone at the table had not travelled as much as I did. I just assumed that playing video games in a lit up arcade while my parents were at the slots on the Strip, seeing the historical Hollywood sign up on hills, driving past a Central Florida orange grove in our navy blue station wagon, or watching the sunrise on a volcano in Maui were just typical activities every American child did. I remember my father would hand me the huge Rand McNally roadmap books and travel guides. He’d let me pore through all the details and read up about where we were going, and I’d get to follow along and read the road signs so I could help track where we were.

Summer was always the time for adventure and fun. And, the traveling that we did taught me a lot about my family, about finding out about other parts of the country, tasting the best road trip food to eat, and learning about the places we were visiting. When you visit a place as a child, you are less jaded, more open-minded, and more amazed by the craziest stuff - the Grand Canyon, the Hoover Dam, a big plastic bucket of quarters, or splashing around in the hotel swimming pool. Stopping at the gas station is an adventure because you get to pick out your favorite bubble gum flavor and look as the scenes start to change from Texas flatlands to dry, rosy dessert plains.

Over the last few days, I have thought about the things I have loved as a kid. Traveling has to be on the top of my list. I have learned how to embrace the problem solving, shifting environments, and re-orientating that travel does to you. I am grateful that my parents taught me to how to pack reasonably (we were in charge of carrying our own lugguage), involved us in the process of reading maps and looking up activities to do, and made sure we took in the history and culture of the city we were in. It is a summer activity that I still enjoy doing. The locales may have changed from time to time, but that adventurous spirit is still inside me.

My mother told me as a child I was the most adaptable young person she knew. She told me regardless of where my parents took me, I was always pleasant to the locals, smiled at them, and always flourished with the environment. I think it is a trait I hope to cultivate and value now. I honestly believe that no matter where I am placed I will always have the ability to thrive - by embracing and relishing in surroundings, understanding the people I meet, and seeing the beauty in all things.

Childhood Detective Work

Julia Cameron talks about blocked artists. There is a lot of things that strike a nerve in me about this chapter because I recently had some horrifying, isolating, uncompassionate things said to me recently by a family member. She kept insisting that these were things that I needed to hear. And, it immobilized me for days. It's the kind of stuff that can push you back down when you think you are already down or even making progress. It especially hurt because I try my best to be supportive and positive despite the dysfunctionality that all relationships possess. I started to realize first-hand how important it is to really honor, love, and respect yourself. The longer you listen to criticisms that are invalid, illogical, and plain ugly, the more you start to believe them.

Goodness! It is time to stop listening to such sad and petty people. Still love them and show compassion, but realize how much of an emotional drain they can be to a blocked artist. Cameron talks about the paralyzing power that can damage a creative person. When she wrote these words, I could almost see these words in the piles and piles of crap people have told me. And, man, it can really hurt if you choose to step into those dark places.

Experts talk about how it takes 20 seconds to fully recieve a positive comment and how a person can be given praise and the one thing he will remember is the negative comment. Again, it is time to move past the ugliness, pettiness, and bitterness. You must know what is helpful and supportive commentary and what is basically b.s. And people love to talk a good talk standing on a pile of negativity and usually these people never accomplish much and are short on results. Those people are basically sick, sad losers. And the sooner, we can learn this truth the easier it will be to protect your soul, dreams, and joys.

According to Cameron -- Deep down, adults can end up damaged, even made to feel guilty about their own strengths and gifts. "Without being acknowledegd, they are often used as batteries by their families and friends, who feel free to both use their creative energies and disparage them. When these blocked artists strive to break free of their dysfunctional systems, they are often urged to be sensible when such advice is not appropriate for them. Made to feel guilty for their talents, they often hide their own light under a bushel for for fear of hurting others. Instead, they hurt themselves." When I read these words, I am relieved. Finally, for the first time, someone in words has been able to clearly articulate the struggle I have been going through my entire life.

So, cheers to finally knowing what this guilt and shame was all about. And, I can move on from this place and re-discover the child that God created me to be. That is where true happiness is going to rest. Being who God wanted you to be. The best way to recover from ugly criticism is to do something creative again. It is the only genuine cure for criticism.

Being in touch with who you were before the craziness and complications of life took a hold of your soul is another place to search. As I continue looking at who I was as a kid, I hope that somewhere I can discover who I am and need to be to align my will to the intructions of God, nature, and universe. Yeah, it will be a struggle, but that is how life tends to be. Ugly duckling stages and growth stages... you have to see life as a whole instead of always running from the struggles. Whatever life creates in your world find peace and happiness in that moment for God is changing your heart and wanting you to grow.

Ten Things I Would Like to...

In Cameron's "The Artist's Way," one exercise she encourages the reader to do is to create ten things you would like to do. That may sound a little bizarre for some people, but if you have ever had to put on a persona for a long time and never actually allowed yourself the courage to discover who you are or the desires that are truly residing in your heart, this can potentially be a rather difficult, painful exercise to do. Sometimes it's just easier to do things that you normally do instead of facing at an intimate level the confines of your true soul.

For me, I could come up with tons and tons of things that I would like to do. I love researching, experimenting, commenting, dissecting and analyzing. I also have a knack to do a ton of things all at the same time and sometimes enjoy it. But, for today, on this nasty hot summer day in July as I sit here with lappie in the good ol' confines of C.C., I share with you my top ten things:

:: I would like to once and for all embrace the meaning of Matthew 19:21 - "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

:: I would like to do a complete overhaul of my possessions. The less I have the less I have to worry about.

:: I would like to be part of a genuine, authentic community. I am not sure what that honestly means for me at the moment. At this point, it is about protecting my heart from the toxic and ugly remarks of people I choose to communicate with and seeking out interesting people with good hearts who can find grace and beauty.

:: I would like to finish organizing my art supplies. The more available and better catalogued my supplies are the easier it will be for me to continue creating.

:: I would like to continue practicing my French. My short trip to Montreal inspired me to continue my love of languages and I have been enjoying the pursuit of knowlege and culture.

:: I would like to have a great summer trip to Denver. Exploring possibilities, reconnecting with friends, and enjoying peace in nature.

:: I would like to continue my process of self care, self love and self respect. I want to use God and spirit to learn who I am and challenge myself to maintain my daily practice of prayer, meditation, walking - routine!

:: I would like to continue my commitment to my health -- exercise that is pleasurable and enjoyable, cooking food that is enriched with nourishment, and getting more and more rest.

:: I would like to explore imaginary lives into reality -- personal trainer, chef, massage therapist, cafe owner, dog walker, and life coach/yoga teacher.

:: I would like to study and live somewhere abroad using my french, learning about food, culture, and normal everyday ordinary living. ;)

Practice of Self Love Starts with God and You Alone

Hello world! (Which is pretty funny because I am pretty sure there is absolutely nobody reading this right now. heheheh)
I am back -- somewhat relaxed, renewed, and refreshed. I have been on medical leave since May. And, I have finally come up out of my spiritual and physical hiding place and I have chosen to start learning and practicing self love, self satisfaction and self care. I often wonder that. Do I really honestly truly love myself? I never really knew there was an actual difference between loving myself on a conditional level (a boost of self esteem derived from achievements, aquisitions, materialism, approval from others, etc.; you are happy because of certain logical often visible good/bad/lame reasons) versus the unconditional level (the kind of love that transcends and will always outlast conditional; the kind of love that is derived from understandng that no matter the circumstances you will be happy for no apparent reason). As a Christian, this is the kind of love that God gives us and wants to give us.

Unfortunately, I often think that there is this myth floating around that being a Christian automatically makes you super duper aww shucks happy -- that faith all of a sudden magically makes you think life is about puffy clouds that tastes like marshmallows, beautiful skittle rainbows, warm rich decadent pools of chocolate, and oompa loompas dancing about under a bright shiny sun. Well actually it doesn't really work that way. And thank God because that would be a little creepy.

Unconditional love is real. And thinking that you can only survive on conditional love and achieving happiness by thinking that God is some Gene Wilder-esque character will lead to disappointment. Unconditional love is insanely bigger than that and at the same time simpler than that.

It's actually pretty crazy. It's knowing that in the midst of whatever comes in your life, you have the courage to continue trusting God, belieiving in the beauty of your life and yourself, and are ready to remove your pride to do some real suffering, face some real challenges, and accept the blessings that are already present. You don't have to do anything really to have unconditional love. It should already be there, but we sometimes think it has to be this pimped out, super-hyped up, psychedelic thing. And in actuality, that love is already there regardless of circumstance, job, marital status, weight, personal achievements, etc.

Comfort in knowing God, accepting the natural passing of time and circumstance, and practicing self love -- these are the things that can often build faith, trust and hope in yourself, others, and even strangers you see each day. It's how strong, amazing and beautiful people choose to live. The kind of beauty that happens without trying hard, worrying about every little detail. It is the kind of happiness that can not come from hard work, achievements, better clothes, installing crown molding, finding a prettier person to date, and more money. It comes from being comfortable in your own skin, letting go of some petty, toxic and lame stuff, and seeing life as it is.

You are already loved. Stop beating yourself up and start living.