attitude adjustments

I'm in serious need of an attitude adjustment-- there are times at my work when little things start to bug me and I wonder, "Really? In the whole scheme of things this is what we're stressing over?" I think about how I much rather be reading, napping or praying in the mornings than to actually strive to be at my job on time.



And, when I do find the time to pray or meditate, somehow I'm already exhausted or just want my mind to go completely numb. So, I'll go home and talk on the phone, read a magazine, or fill in whatever mindless activity.



Tired and spent, but really needing to see Jesus' love, I went to neXus. They were reading over Ecclesiastes and the verse:"It's better to enjoy what we have than to always want something else, because that makes no more sense than chasing the wind." Ecc 6:9 It really struck a nerve in my heart and I started thinking about my frustrations and looked at how much frustration has taken over my attitude.


What I have each day is a provision from God that I should learn to appreciate and enjoy. I know I should be aware of frustration and unfortunate circumstance, but I can't let it take my attitude hostage. I need to see this world with more gratitude.


If I didn't deal with cranky people or have a plethora of work to do, then what am I honestly being paid to do. There wouldn't be anything for me to do if the work was perfectly completed on its own. If I didn't take in the good with the bad, what was the point of me being there. In the midst of lay-offs and people looking for a new job, how grateful was I about my steady paycheck and supportive supervisors and colleagues?


Did I ever think about the longer hours a few of my colleagues put in so I don't have to stay late and do even more work? Did I ever think about the two consecutive nights that my supervisor stayed late with me so my event would go well? Did I honestly appreciate the happy yellow flowers, the baked goodies, and balloons they surprised me with on my three-year anniversary?


It's hard work. But, did I ever think about the hard work that my Compassion child's family has to endure? Did I ever think about the hard work that my parents did in order to send me to school? Or the hard work that the janitors did after an event I managed? There are crazy people and crazy hours. But, it's so easy for people to bitch. Any situation in life can be a bitch session and that's incredibly heartbreaking to think about. Sure you can bitch about what you don't have or it can be an opportunity to let God's love fill in those inadequacies in attitude. It can be a time to find more ways to be grateful. I'm sure there are so many actions that go unnoticed. When will I remove my sense of entitlement and uncover an attitude of gratefulness? When will I stop expecting things to be better and realize that God gives me more than enough and God actually wants me to find the joy in what is already given.


Yeah, I should be aware of frustration and difficulty, but I need to learn to work through it and accept it. Acceptance and working through difficulty are two concepts that our society doesn't like to own up to -- and I am guilty of this as well.


Changing gears a little, but this will help understand acceptance and working through frustration. Have you ever tried to do pigeon pose in yoga? It's a pose where you have to stretch out your hip muscle. If you run a lot, the muscle can get very tight. When I first did the pose, I could barely stay balanced and I felt like I was doing it wrong and was concerned about toppling over. My instructor didn't tell us to modify or quit though. She kept telling us to "push the edges" and to recognize the discomfort and pain because in life that's what we have to do sometimes. Of course, we shouldn't be in the pose if it would injure ourselves, but there is a point where you can slowly and safely breathe into this muscle and accept the discomfort. You can also recognize that you don't have to avoid discomfort. You can slowly and patiently face it, and eventually through patience, you can face that pain better.

I know the analogy might sound lame to people who don't do yoga, but it helps me see my spiritual challenges better. It helps me to appreciate where God has placed me, and if I'm always looking for an opportunity to bitch, I won't recognize the beauty that is already there and how God is overflowing with those blessings.

lots of thoughts swirling and swirling

So, it's been about a week since I've embarked on this project. I've logged in 17.75 miles -- 17 miles from running and 3/4 of mile in swimming. I'm pretty happy about that considering I was suffering from burnout from the half marathon in January and really didn't want to run for a while. The racking up of the miles has been easy, but it's been hard to not sign up for a spring race. If I sign up for a race especially during Lent, I think I would have missed the point of this project.

The goal isn't to train for a race. The point of this project is to invest some time with God. There are two verses that have grabbed my attention that I've been pondering over:

"It's better to enjoy what we have than to always want something else, because that makes more sense than chasing the wind." Ecclesiastes 6:9

"Finally my friends keep your minds on whatever is true, right, holy, friendly, and proper. Don't ever stop thinking about what is truly worthwhile and worthy of praise. You know the teachings I gave you and you know what you heard me say and saw me do. So follow my example. And God who gives peace, will be with you." Philippians 4:8-9

In my next post, I'll talk a little more about them.

the hundred challenge in miles, treasure, and time

Back in 2004, I tried to dedicate 100 miles of running for the purpose of reflecting and meditating on God. I figured each mile would be a pocket of time that I could reflect on His word, pray for a person, appreciate a snapshot of beauty, or think about ways I would honor Him.

Needless to say, I never finished the project.To be honest, it wasn't until yesterday when I was reviewing my old blog that I realized that I even started such a project. I would like to restart this project. Basically, it's 100 miles (swimming, biking, or running) dedicated to 100 meditations. It's taking something that I love and dedicating it to God, our first real and honest love.

But, I don't want to stop there.

My second challenge is that I'd also like to donate a hundred dollars to a worthy cause by Easter. Right now, I don't know if that's possible. I give to a lot of good causes already: my church, the annual fund at my job and alma mater, to Nana in Indonesia, and to a couple doing ministry work at the University of Texas. I am also paying for a car repair and a vacation to Asia. But, I think with a few sacrifices (less beers, more packed lunches, and home-cooked meals), another hundred is possible.

My third challenge is to provide 100 hours of service to others. To be honest, carving out time for others will most likely be the most difficult for me to figure out. But, I know I do waste my time on some pretty mindless stuff.

Who knows if I will finish this project. This is definitely a crazy challenge -- miles, treasure and time. It's a triathlon for my soul!

thanks to "Crazy Love"

I've started this blog project because I've just finished the book "Crazy Love." I was so moved and stirred by the book -- I'd oftentimes find myself in tears or paralyzed in thought wondering about so many things that I have settled for in life. I've placed my life in a simple box -- in general, I've had a pretty happy life as a single, young woman. I have my freedom, a stable job, good family, good friends, a church...

At the beginning of this year, I was wondering what my new goals would be and I reviewed the New Year's resolutions I set out for myself last year. I was happy with my 2008 accomplishments:

:: Lost 25 pounds - It was a challenge to have to track everything I ate, but I wanted to take care of what God gave me and learn how to eat healthy.

:: Ran a sub-thirty minute 5K - For the longest time, my running speed never went anywhere until I pushed myself to join a running group with coaches. The group and my trainers pushed me to change my habits and try new things. It took almost the whole year, but in November I ran a 5K in 27 minutes.

:: Completed my first triathlon - A kind friend loaned me a bicycle and I was able to train for a sprint triathlon. Doing something so different and challenging was very exciting for me. It was nice to get back into the pool and get back on a bike. Running, swimming, and biking reminded me of those summer days as a kid when we'd play for hours until the sun came down.

I worked hard for each of these things. I had to take an honest assessment of who I was and accept what my body could do. A doctor told me my body was made up of 37% body fat. There are no white lies or excuses when the lab results are in your face like that. I faced the facts -- I was overweight and pretty flabby. But, I accepted and loved the body that I had. This body got me through 31 years of my life, and it was time for me to take care of it. I patiently made small changes. I knew with time, patience and discipline I could accomplish these things.

Then, suddenly after reading "Crazy Love," I thought to myself, "What bold dreams have I ever had for God?" My mind got pretty quiet. I spent some mornings praying and doing yoga. Perhaps, I thought about my spirituality in small group or church. But, have I ever honestly pushed the confines of my soul? Have I ever honestly desired God and his presence? Have I ever accepted a challenge from God just like the physical challenges I endured last year?

I can honestly say no. Not even close. I've never honestly felt a very strong intimate feeling to pursue God's heart and to live His desires. Don't get me wrong. I know who God is and I know I have accepted him, but I've never pushed my soul. I've never disciplined my soul.

I've waken up some mornings thinking,"Yes! It's a beautiful morning. Perfect day for a run. When will I have time for a run." Or, I've thought about my friends and family in that giddy excitement wondering,"Wow, I haven't seen her in a while! I wonder when I'll get to see her and ooh! We should go out and do this for fun."

I don't recall any great moments where my heart was so stirred and excited--where I wanted to please God and pull into His presence in the same way I look forward to going for a run or seeing an old friend. Yes, I love to pray and read the word, but not with that same excitement, discipline and zeal. So I have invested many hours in physical training -- when have I ever invested the time to honestly listen to God and follow through with a bold challenge or wanted to please God so badly I was willing to give up some of my own comfort and resources for others or wondered what I could do to please Him.

See thanks to this "Crazy Love" book... It really started getting me thinking more and more and more. To the point of guilt. But God doesn't want us to be paralyzed in guilt. He wants us to push past that. If I was created by Him and for Him, shouldn't that be my most important priority? Whatever I do in life should fit into honoring Him -- my resources, my talents, and my accomplishments ARE actually His resources, His talents and His accomplishments.

So with this blog, it is my goal to examine, pray, and act upon my pursuit for God's love. Resting in His presence and honestly seeking His desire and being the person He desires me to be. I hope with this blog I can record and share my thoughts on what "Crazy Love" has motivated me to be and experience a renewed sense of God's presence.

introducing mr. merton

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following Your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please You does in fact please You. And, I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that, if I do this, You will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust You always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for You are ever with me, and You will never leave me to face my perils alone.