Hello world! (Which is pretty funny because I am pretty sure there is absolutely nobody reading this right now. heheheh)
I am back -- somewhat relaxed, renewed, and refreshed. I have been on medical leave since May. And, I have finally come up out of my spiritual and physical hiding place and I have chosen to start learning and practicing self love, self satisfaction and self care. I often wonder that. Do I really honestly truly love myself? I never really knew there was an actual difference between loving myself on a conditional level (a boost of self esteem derived from achievements, aquisitions, materialism, approval from others, etc.; you are happy because of certain logical often visible good/bad/lame reasons) versus the unconditional level (the kind of love that transcends and will always outlast conditional; the kind of love that is derived from understandng that no matter the circumstances you will be happy for no apparent reason). As a Christian, this is the kind of love that God gives us and wants to give us.
Unfortunately, I often think that there is this myth floating around that being a Christian automatically makes you super duper aww shucks happy -- that faith all of a sudden magically makes you think life is about puffy clouds that tastes like marshmallows, beautiful skittle rainbows, warm rich decadent pools of chocolate, and oompa loompas dancing about under a bright shiny sun. Well actually it doesn't really work that way. And thank God because that would be a little creepy.
Unconditional love is real. And thinking that you can only survive on conditional love and achieving happiness by thinking that God is some Gene Wilder-esque character will lead to disappointment. Unconditional love is insanely bigger than that and at the same time simpler than that.
It's actually pretty crazy. It's knowing that in the midst of whatever comes in your life, you have the courage to continue trusting God, belieiving in the beauty of your life and yourself, and are ready to remove your pride to do some real suffering, face some real challenges, and accept the blessings that are already present. You don't have to do anything really to have unconditional love. It should already be there, but we sometimes think it has to be this pimped out, super-hyped up, psychedelic thing. And in actuality, that love is already there regardless of circumstance, job, marital status, weight, personal achievements, etc.
Comfort in knowing God, accepting the natural passing of time and circumstance, and practicing self love -- these are the things that can often build faith, trust and hope in yourself, others, and even strangers you see each day. It's how strong, amazing and beautiful people choose to live. The kind of beauty that happens without trying hard, worrying about every little detail. It is the kind of happiness that can not come from hard work, achievements, better clothes, installing crown molding, finding a prettier person to date, and more money. It comes from being comfortable in your own skin, letting go of some petty, toxic and lame stuff, and seeing life as it is.
You are already loved. Stop beating yourself up and start living.
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