long time no blogging!

I miss writing in this thing. sniff... sniff...Sorry I have been so ragged and busy. I promise I will write in this thing this week. Just been a very traumatizing month for me, and I am still trying to readjust to things.

being present

Sometimes I have trouble focusing with what tasks are on hand. Somehow I'm either playing catch-up or I'm trying to feverishly anticipate for the next big thing coming around the corner. Were we made to run around at such a disgustingly frenetic pace?

I don't know about you, but I'm actually fed up with it.

And, I'm contributing to that pace. When I agree to doing something I don't really want to do... When I agree to doing something out of guilt and not of love... When I take on too much stuff... When I commit to too much stuff and I end up looking like a frosted flake... When I ask people to do something and pressure them into it...

It's time for me to really honor what it means to take a Sabbath. The word is based on the word Shabbat in Hebrew meaning "to cease." I'm trying to remember the last Sunday evening where I honestly felt rested... Where I was so rested and relaxed I was ready to take on the next week... There's a term called the Sunday night blues where people suffer a mild form of depression because they know that Monday is just around the corner.

I'm ready to feel renewed and relaxed.

I hope that I will wake up on Sunday and truly honor what it means "to cease."

where am I in the project

Since I've finished two weeks of this crazy project (100 miles, 100 prayers, $100 to charity and 100 hours of service) thus far, here's where I am:

:: $100 raised - I still have to put the money in Sheila's fundraising page
:: 10.75 hours in service to others
:: 22 miles
:: 15 sessions in meditation, prayer, and/or delving into the Word

I don't know why this feels weird tracking my progress. It's not like you can buy a Nike watch which tracks the activities on my soul either.

Continue to pray that this doesn't become legalistic. That what I'm doing pleases God and doesn't delineate from that path.

tuesday morning prayer

So, here's an interesting exercise in prayer...

I took a legal pad out and I tried to fill it up with things I was thankful to God for. At first it seemed a little weird to me. Who does that? Finds things to be thankful for. Aren't we more in tune to knowing what we need to pray for or are more focused on our inequities and injustices? But, it's humbling and joyful at the same time. It makes you embrace the attitude and belief that God already provides you with more than enough. You should be swimming in His grace. There should be so much in your life already there because He knows our needs already.

So, I scribbled things down and it really forced me to consider what I really invested my time in doing last week and really got me to pin down the good things, events, and people already there in my life. I got to about half the page and wanted to quit, but I kept going. I kept replaying my week and thinking about moments that I almost forgotten about -- searching for the good, the beauty, and joy God keeps giving us. Maybe the next time I do it I won't feel so lame about having a thankful heart. Also, maybe the next time someone does good I'll verbally recognize it and quickly thank the person.

After my crazy thankfulness writing, I delved into the passages Chris Seay mentioned on Sunday. Psalm 25, Genesis 9, 1 Peter 3, and Mark 1. I was especially drawn to Psalm 25. There's humility and beauty in it and if you are ever lost or feeling like crap, it's a good one to look at and pray about. I also liked 1 Peter 3. Will probably read over those two, let those two marinate for the next few days and see what I can do to put what inspires me into action.

Finally, I filled up a sheet on prayers. Wow, it's is so much easier to find things we should pray for as opposed to finding things to be thankful for. I mean God isn't a vending machine by any means, but if we can constantly be looking out for one another, pray for one another, love for one another who knows what God can do with that.

Getting Rid of My Wii

Yeah, so do you want to know something really sad and disturbing? For more than a year, I've owned an xBOX 360 and a wii. And, honestly, for the majority of the year, I've never played them. Actually, right now, they are in my brother's possession because I have no use for them. There's a good reason for that. I'm not a hardcore gamer. Never been to any special event with the word "CON" in the title. It's just not in me to want to continually play games like that until 2 or 3 in the morning.

Sure, it's fun to play GH on occasion with friends. I have a lot of good friends that I play GH with, but it's not an obsession for us. Seriously, I'd rather do other things with my personal time. Perhaps, it was just another passing fad that we all go through like drinking pepsi or acid wash jeans. I just eventually grew out of it I suppose.

So months have passed and I've been really torn about what to do with the game systems. I was actually going to donate them to the Burundi children or find an after-school program to give the systems to. My little brother has had them for a while, but since he's too busy, he doesn't really use them either.

Well eventually, I got the opportunity to sell my wii. I would have given it away since it was a gift, but to make things easier, I just told the person to give me what she felt comfortable paying. She gave me $100 for it. And, that so happens to be the same amount of money I wanted to donate to a charity by Easter.

I'm glad that this wii is going to give some joy to someone else since it hasn't brought me any of those things lately. Someone out there will actually use it instead of having it collect dust for months. The sad thing is there's a child out there with parents who can't afford to purchase such luxuries and I greedily hoarded these things for months. Sadly enough, I wasn't even really using them. The xBox is still with my brother for now. He said he would like to use it. So, at least both systems will be put to use for now.

I have a close relative who has been battling lupus for two years now. So, I've decided to donate the money to lupus research. She is participating in a charity walk. So, I'll put the funds toward her event. This brings me great joy...

Philippians 4:8-9

I know I typed these two verses up a couple posts ago, but it is probably worth going over again. There's a lot to really dig into within these two sentences.

"Finally, my friends, keep your minds on whatever is true, pure, right, holy, friendly and proper. Don't ever stop thinking about what is truly worthwhile and worthy of praise. You know the teachings I gave you, and you know what you heard me say and saw me do. So follow my example. And God, who gives peace, will be with you." Philippians 4:8-9

Goodness, these two verses are packed with a lot. And, it is very convicting if you look at these qualities in the terms of relationships: the character you have, the character of the company you keep, and the quality of the relationships you keep.

If you're jaded, tired, or feeling beaten down, these sentences may be hard to accept or adopt. But, there's hope in these words. "God, who gives peace, will be with you." I want that peace. I want the kind of genuine peace that only God can give. Sadly enough, as a person who grew up in the church, I should already know this. When we embody these qualities being true, pure, right, holy, friendly and proper, we become more Christ-like and we can experience a deeper level of peace and ultimately a deeper relationship with God.

So, why don't I do this? Well, mostly because it's easier for me to not face these issues. Instead, I delve into distractions and find other hiding places to provide artificial and temporary comforts. It's also MUCH easier to point out others who don't possess these qualities instead of worrying about if I, myself, have these qualities. It's much easier to complain about what others have done to us or see what others are lacking. Flipping around that perspective -- It's just so much harder for us to take the log out of our eye and see who we really are, examine our own flaws, and possess the change we so badly want to see in others.

That's sad to me. It's time for me to re-examine my priorities. Continue to change my attitude and see the changes that need to happen in my heart and in my decisions, and actions. How often do I focus on truth, purity, righteousness, holiness,friendliness, and propriety? How often is it important for me to seek people who can teach me these qualities? And, do my relationships with people possess these qualities?

The only way I can learn to possess these qualities is through God. I must continue to develop my love and desire to be with Him. I know I can't be these things on my own. I've seen the ugliness that I'm capable of doing, saying, and acting upon when I do things on my own. I pray for God to help me during Lent. I ask Him to help me examine each of these qualities. Find those weak spots inside me. Fill in the love that I honestly am seeking. So, I may find that peace and relationship with God I so badly want.

attitude adjustments

I'm in serious need of an attitude adjustment-- there are times at my work when little things start to bug me and I wonder, "Really? In the whole scheme of things this is what we're stressing over?" I think about how I much rather be reading, napping or praying in the mornings than to actually strive to be at my job on time.



And, when I do find the time to pray or meditate, somehow I'm already exhausted or just want my mind to go completely numb. So, I'll go home and talk on the phone, read a magazine, or fill in whatever mindless activity.



Tired and spent, but really needing to see Jesus' love, I went to neXus. They were reading over Ecclesiastes and the verse:"It's better to enjoy what we have than to always want something else, because that makes no more sense than chasing the wind." Ecc 6:9 It really struck a nerve in my heart and I started thinking about my frustrations and looked at how much frustration has taken over my attitude.


What I have each day is a provision from God that I should learn to appreciate and enjoy. I know I should be aware of frustration and unfortunate circumstance, but I can't let it take my attitude hostage. I need to see this world with more gratitude.


If I didn't deal with cranky people or have a plethora of work to do, then what am I honestly being paid to do. There wouldn't be anything for me to do if the work was perfectly completed on its own. If I didn't take in the good with the bad, what was the point of me being there. In the midst of lay-offs and people looking for a new job, how grateful was I about my steady paycheck and supportive supervisors and colleagues?


Did I ever think about the longer hours a few of my colleagues put in so I don't have to stay late and do even more work? Did I ever think about the two consecutive nights that my supervisor stayed late with me so my event would go well? Did I honestly appreciate the happy yellow flowers, the baked goodies, and balloons they surprised me with on my three-year anniversary?


It's hard work. But, did I ever think about the hard work that my Compassion child's family has to endure? Did I ever think about the hard work that my parents did in order to send me to school? Or the hard work that the janitors did after an event I managed? There are crazy people and crazy hours. But, it's so easy for people to bitch. Any situation in life can be a bitch session and that's incredibly heartbreaking to think about. Sure you can bitch about what you don't have or it can be an opportunity to let God's love fill in those inadequacies in attitude. It can be a time to find more ways to be grateful. I'm sure there are so many actions that go unnoticed. When will I remove my sense of entitlement and uncover an attitude of gratefulness? When will I stop expecting things to be better and realize that God gives me more than enough and God actually wants me to find the joy in what is already given.


Yeah, I should be aware of frustration and difficulty, but I need to learn to work through it and accept it. Acceptance and working through difficulty are two concepts that our society doesn't like to own up to -- and I am guilty of this as well.


Changing gears a little, but this will help understand acceptance and working through frustration. Have you ever tried to do pigeon pose in yoga? It's a pose where you have to stretch out your hip muscle. If you run a lot, the muscle can get very tight. When I first did the pose, I could barely stay balanced and I felt like I was doing it wrong and was concerned about toppling over. My instructor didn't tell us to modify or quit though. She kept telling us to "push the edges" and to recognize the discomfort and pain because in life that's what we have to do sometimes. Of course, we shouldn't be in the pose if it would injure ourselves, but there is a point where you can slowly and safely breathe into this muscle and accept the discomfort. You can also recognize that you don't have to avoid discomfort. You can slowly and patiently face it, and eventually through patience, you can face that pain better.

I know the analogy might sound lame to people who don't do yoga, but it helps me see my spiritual challenges better. It helps me to appreciate where God has placed me, and if I'm always looking for an opportunity to bitch, I won't recognize the beauty that is already there and how God is overflowing with those blessings.