the seed -- scary, bold and exciting

So, I am thinking about starting my own business. I know everyone has those lofty dreams. But, it starts from somewhere like the time I decided to run a half marathon, finish a triathlon, or finally take more art classes. It starts with a small voice in your head and heart, and it usually doesn't go away until the dream comes into fruition.

I am not really sure how or where to start. Well, that's not all entirely true. I worked for a couple small businesses and a nonprofit consulting firm for entrepreneurs. I have also been hearing these ideas of working for myself and mixed in with the ideas of space and time and work/life/balance. I don't think my life will get any easier, but I suppose it would be an interesting venture.

I just started graduate school, and a lot of people keep asking me what the heck do I suppose I will do with the degree once I'm done. And, to be honest I am not really sure... But, the option of working for myself does sound alluring... More research must be done.

I titled this entry "the seed" because of Lynne Franks' "The Seed Handbook." SEED stands for Sustainable Enterprise and Empowerment Dynamics. She speaks in a bold and compassionate way, and her enthusiasm is very inspiring. If I am really going to put myself out there, there is a whole lot of sh*t I am gonna have to clean up about myself: clutter, distractions, my fiscal responsibilities and negative messages from me and the people I surround myself with for the next few years. But, it all starts with a desire in your heart -- a desire that God has planted. Gently pushing our edges without self-criticism, slowly and with confidence learning what God wants for us, and finding that intersect of happiness (where your soul and God's intentions meet).

So, who knows... where this adventure will take me, but I figure... may as well. Today is as good as any.

BKS Iyengar

While taking a break from dorking out (aka studying) at Border's Galleria, I picked up a book called "Yoga Wisdom and Practice" by BKS Iyengar. I read a little bit about how he got started in yoga, and it is an amazing story about growing up very, very weak and fragile. Oftentimes, he would get sick very easily and his struggles to attempt to use yoga in his life.

I found the following quote quite lovely: "Each day was an ordeal but God's grace forced me to make one more attempt for every failure." God's grace - I thought it was so beautiful to think about. If he wasn't open to communicating to God, he would not have had the hope to continue doing his asanas. God's grace is the fuel that completes us and helps us to accept where we are -- imperfect and incomplete. God's grace is the undeserved gift or deed that God gives.

Thank God for his grace. His grace is a guide for me to understand who we are: human beings created in his image and likeness though marred by sin.

Facing Your Fears

Facing the Fears...Staring at Your Demons...and Kicking Resistance in the Stomach

I think you know what I'm talking about. Those nasty questions that bug you at night or when you're waiting for the bus or going for a walk: "What if I'm not good enough? What if he no longer loves me and dumps me? What if I'm honestly meant to be alone? What if it's not in the cards for me and I really don't deserve anything I am working hard for? What if they find out that I'm really stupid and don't know what I'm doing?...." Anyway, I'm sure you can insert your own concerns here...

Do you ever get concerned about things? You think way too much about something? You ever dwell in doubt and fears that it becomes an unwelcomed friend?

What do you do to deal with it?

- Sometimes I just sit there and wonder where the hell this is all coming from? There's an obvious message underneath all that crap and self-doubt. It's important to get to the root of that message.

- In response to it, sometimes I write those fears down or say them out loud. In a way, I almost think by writing or saying them I am giving those fears power. But, eventually, you have to face them and let them out. Then you can rationally and logically and even spiritually be mindful of them. Lay them out before God. There is a cosmos that is greater than you. Let nature take its course and through breathing and experience you can calm your nerves.

- Sometimes, I just cry. I know that is really insane and crazy for some people to think about, but sometimes it's really all you wanted to do. The tears, emotions, and frustration eventually come up to the top of glass and float there. Play your sad music and just cry. It's okay.

- Tell a friend or a family member. Sometimes they can put your fears into perspective.

It was interesting to read about what Steven Pressfield says about fear in "The War of Art."

"These are serious fears. But they're not the real fear. Not the Master Fear, the Mother of all Fears that's so close to us that even when we verbalize it we don't believe it. Fear That We Will Succeed.

That we can access the powers we secretly know we possess.

That we can become the person we sense in our hearts we truly are.

This is the most terrifying propsect a human being can face, because it ejects him at one go (he imagines) from all the tribal inclusions his psyche is wired for and has been for fifty million years.

We fear discovering that we are more than we think we are. More than our parents/children/teachers think we are. We fear that we actually possess the talent that our still, small voice tells us. That we actually have the guts, the perseverance, the capacity. We fear that we truly can steer our ship, plant our flag, reach our Promised Land. We fear this because if it's true, then we become estranged from all we know. We pass through a membrane. We become monsters and monstrous.

We know that if we embrace our ideals, we must prove worthy of them. And that scares the hell out of us. What will become of us? We will lose our friends and family, who will no longer recognize us. We will wind up alone, in the cold void of starry space, with nothing and no one to hold on to.

Of course, this is exactly what happens. But here's the trick. We wind up in space, but not alone. Instead we are tapped into an unquenchable, undepletable, inexhaustible, source of wisdom, consciousness, companionship. Yeah, we lose friends. But we find friends too, in places we never thought to look. And they're better friends, truer friends. And we're better and truer to them.

Do you believe me?"

Brilliance

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." -- Marianne Williamson

1) Showing gratitude.
2) Attitude of acceptance (NOT complacency).
3) Recognizing when credit is due and being supportive to others.
4) Dealing with pride and jealousy. Life is definitely too short for pettiness.
5) Finding God's true passion for your life.

People-People-People

I've been thinking about relationships and friendships lately. Actually, the sad thing is I have been recalling the crappy parts of relationships: the exhaustion, loss of trust, and drama. It almost makes you wanna crawl in a hole and do your own thing and beat people with a stick. That's what ugliness can do to ones spirit. But, the beautiful thing about God is that He made us to be in relationship with Him and in others. We are not meant to be an island on our own. What's the fun in that?

I came across Milton Glaser's website, and he had this interesting article called "Ten Things I Have Learned." And, it's funny. I'm sure a lot of people KNOW this and have experienced it and struggle with it. It's my hope that I lean on God to show me how to manage my relationships better because goodness I can't do it by myself. I've got to be infused with the unique and graceful love that only Jesus knows how to do. It's also my hope that I can slowly convert my heart to feel what Jesus feels, push out some of the pettiness and crabbiness that has crusted all around my heart, and pursue his greatest command of love.

From Milton Glaser's "Ten Things I've Learned"
SOME PEOPLE ARE TOXIC AVOID THEM.
This is a subtext of number one. There was in the sixties a man named Fritz Perls who was a gestalt therapist. Gestalt therapy derives from art history, it proposes you must understand the ‘whole’ before you can understand the details. What you have to look at is the entire culture, the entire family and community and so on. Perls proposed that in all relationships people could be either toxic or nourishing towards one another. It is not necessarily true that the same person will be toxic or nourishing in every relationship, but the combination of any two people in a relationship produces toxic or nourishing consequences. And the important thing that I can tell you is that there is a test to determine whether someone is toxic or nourishing in your relationship with them. Here is the test: You have spent some time with this person, either you have a drink or go for dinner or you go to a ball game. It doesn’t matter very much but at the end of that time you observe whether you are more energised or less energised. Whether you are tired or whether you are exhilarated. If you are more tired then you have been poisoned. If you have more energy you have been nourished. The test is almost infallible and I suggest that you use it for the rest of your life.

fire in the belly!

Last night, I went to yoga class and quick and dirty twenty minute run. I loved how delicious the stretches were in class, and I could feel the neurons in my head buzzing as my yoga instructor asked us to try new poses. I like the concept of stretching the confines of my mind, the length of my muscles, and having a big grin on my face while I'm in class. Afterwards, I felt a little tired, but I thought,"Come on girlie! Just run for twenty minutes!." So, I went out on a muggy evening and I managed to eek out my twenty minutes. It was similar to that weird feeling I get when I get off my bike and jump into a three mile run.

Getting my body in motion inspired me again! It motivated me to do a triathlon this fall. I wanted to do three triathlons or do two triathlons and a surfing class. I did one triathlon in Pearland, and I will be doing the Eastside Triathlon in Baytown on September 13th. Woo hoo! Instead of doing a third triathlon, I will be doing surfing class in Port Aransas with my beau. It should be lots of fun.

It's amazing how when you find that place where God made you, create the time to appreciate and take care of yourself, and push yourself gently and lightly. There's this beautiful energy that rises from it. Just lovely...quite lovely....

getting back in the groove

I am back in the country once again. Wow, who knew I would end up going on two international trips this summer. I am very, very blessed for those experiences. As I make a courageous attempt to do my best in my professional work, art work, and physical challenges, I had a couple quotes to share:

* From Steven Pressfield's "Art on War": "There's no mystery to turning pro. It's a decision brought about by an act of will. We make up our minds to view ourselves as pros and we do it. Simple as that."

I have done a lot of thinking about career, hobbies, interests --> I am constantly thinking about happiness. I honestly believe happiness is when your desire in your heart and soul matches with the intention that God put forth for your life. We won't get at that intersection by being lazy, wasting away, or avoiding those urges and desires that well up inside our guts. The "Art of War" has been a beautiful and convicting motivator.

* Jack Wisdom's lecture on gratitude and ingratitude: a thankful heart

Wow, it is so easy to always look at what we don't have. Or feel like the card we were dealt was cruel or unfair. It's important to start each day with a thankful heart. Write down or tell a loved one the little things that make you feel grateful for the blessings God gives. I like how the apostle Paul despite his circumstances in jail was always committed to having a thankful heart. God so badly wants us to recognize the beauty he created for us each day. Don't forget to create space in your life to do that.

"This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it!"